niledawk: (Default)
[personal profile] niledawk
So I decided to just delete my main Twitter today. It's not that I'm particularly dissatisfied with anyone, it's just that I hate to feel left out and that's how I've felt. Not "unwanted", particularly, just unnecessary. Like I'm not an integral part of anyone's day, and with friendships changing so strangely I've been in a weird flux between jealousy and paranoia and forcing myself to move on.

I guess a lot of it still comes back to the snafu from last month, all the gossip and tensions. I can't help but feel like there's a target on my back, and when the littlest thing changes or the slightest thing seems awkward or awry, my immediate reaction is paranoia because I feel like gossip is being spread. I forget, even after All These Years, that fandom is an organic thing, a thing people seek out for entertainment and escape and happiness, and that the friendships built within fandom are often forged for the same reasons. I just get really attached, really easily, and it hurts me deeply when things change and I end up taking it out in destructive ways. So I've learned that the best policy for me is still just walking away before I behave like too much of an infant. I know the friendships that matter and I know they'll survive but it's weird when I know that even IRL friendships are difficult for me to keep.

I live in a nomad state, I don't have a heartplace so I usually either go Completely Independent -or- Attach Myself Ridiculously.

When someone's willing to put up with all my bullshit to help me work on that, it'll be obvious, but I just feel over and over like fandom isn't where I'm gonna find it. I'm optimistic, though, and I always try.

So yeah, there's nothing really cataclysmic or terrible about my hiatus on Twitter and Tumblr, I'm just trying to give myself some time. On the whole you can't surround yourself with things that highlight your lonely feelings.

Anyway, thought I'd post up a small explanation :B EVERYONE ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND!
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